Why Does My Self-Esteem Fluctuate So Much?
Codependency is a relational pattern that can undermine psychological well-being, disrupt relationships, and contribute to significant emotional distress. In severe cases, it may even have life-threatening consequences. Individuals who consistently prioritize the needs, emotions, and expectations of others above their own—often to the detriment of their health—may be engaging in codependent behaviors. As described by Pia Mellody, whose work is foundational in the study of codependency, this pattern frequently develops through early relational experiences and is maintained through adulthood.
Individuals with codependent traits commonly experience the following difficulties:
Inconsistent or unstable self-esteem
Difficulty establishing and maintaining functional emotional boundaries
Difficulty identifying, owning, and expressing one’s own perceptions, feelings, and reality
Difficulty attending to age-appropriate adult needs and desires
Difficulty expressing thoughts and emotions in a balanced and moderate manner
Development of Codependent Personality Patterns
Children are inherently vulnerable, imperfect, dependent, and emotionally immature. In functional family systems, caregivers acknowledge and validate a child’s emotional experiences—even when they differ from the caregiver’s own perspective. These families establish clear rules, apply them consistently, and maintain appropriate boundaries across physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual, and behavioral domains.
In healthy environments, mistakes are not met with shame. Children are allowed to be imperfect without fear of rejection or humiliation. In contrast, dysfunctional family systems often lack consistent validation, emotional attunement, and clear boundaries. Children raised in such environments may internalize beliefs that they are fundamentally “less than” or, conversely, must be “better than” others to be accepted. As a result, they may oscillate between extremes—becoming overly vulnerable or emotionally guarded; rebellious or perfectionistic; overly dependent or rigidly independent; and either developmentally immature or excessively controlling.
When a child experiences chronic confusion or emotional invalidation, self-esteem is significantly impacted. Individuals with low self-esteem often struggle to trust their own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of reality. They may defer excessively to others, placing others’ needs and desires ahead of their own. When a child’s internal experience is not mirrored or validated, they learn to seek external validation to determine what is real or acceptable. Over time, this leads to an externally oriented sense of self—one that is shaped primarily by the expectations and reactions of others.
Boundaries, Self-Esteem, and Relational Functioning
Poorly developed emotional boundaries further complicate relational functioning. Individuals with boundary difficulties may struggle to assert themselves appropriately or may attempt to manage anxiety through overcontrol. They often find it challenging to express their needs clearly and may experience the emotions or requests of others as personal criticism or rejection. Consequently, relationships characterized by poor boundaries tend to suffer from miscommunication, resentment, and emotional instability.
The Path Toward Healthier Relationships
Recovery from codependency can be emotionally challenging, particularly in the early stages, but it does not resolve spontaneously without intentional intervention. Individuals struggling with codependent patterns often enter therapy with heightened sensitivity to criticism and a deep fear of judgment. Establishing trust—whether with a therapist or another authority figure—may take time.
Therapeutic work focuses on identifying and processing early relational wounds, fostering greater self-awareness, and strengthening self-esteem. Learning to establish and maintain functional emotional boundaries is a central component of recovery. Additionally, therapy helps individuals differentiate between present-day reality and internalized, often distorted, perceptions rooted in past experiences.
Children who grow up without consistent emotional validation frequently learn to doubt their intuition and perceptions, leaving them vulnerable in adult relationships and uncertain about the difference between healthy and toxic dynamics. Therapeutic techniques such as relaxation training and guided imagery may support this process by reducing anxiety and increasing emotional regulation.
The ultimate goal of recovery is to free individuals from internalized patterns of self-doubt, self-criticism, and harsh self-judgment—allowing for the development of healthier, more authentic relationships with both self and others.