“Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything…
That’s how the light gets in.”
— Leonard Cohen, Anthem
In the field of addiction treatment, it is well established that the reinforcing nature of addictive behavior extends beyond the substance or activity itself. Many individuals recovering from substance use disorders describe the “high” not only as the physiological effect of the substance, but also as arising from the anticipatory phase—the pursuit, the planning, the risk, and the adrenaline associated with obtaining the substance. This phenomenon applies similarly to behavioral addictions, including compulsive sexual behavior (CSBD), commonly referred to as sex addiction.
During clinical interviews, patients often describe entering a dissociative or trance-like state during addictive pursuits. One individual reported spending hours isolated in a hotel room during a business trip, compulsively refreshing Craigslist in search of a sexual encounter. He described becoming so absorbed in this ritualized behavior that he missed the conference he had traveled to attend. This pattern—losing track of time, neglecting responsibilities, and entering a psychologically disconnected state—is characteristic of dissociative phenomena frequently observed in individuals with process addictions.
The Motivational Dynamics of Infidelity and Sexual Compulsivity
Individuals may engage in extramarital or high-risk sexual behaviors because they activate powerful neurobiological reward pathways. Risk, novelty, and secrecy amplify dopamine release, reinforcing the behavior despite its negative consequences. These behaviors often serve as maladaptive methods of emotional regulation, numbing, or escape.
However, not everyone engages in such behaviors. Those who refrain typically possess intact empathic capacity, moral reasoning, and an ability to consider long-term consequences. They can anticipate the emotional harm their actions would cause a spouse or partner, the potential effects on children, and the damage to their own integrity and reputation. This capacity for reflective functioning acts as a protective factor against compulsive or high-risk sexual behavior.
Clinical Features of Sexual Addiction
Sexual addiction or CSBD may manifest as:
Compulsive pornography use
Compulsive masturbation
Repetitive affairs
Virtual or online sexual activity, including webcams and anonymous chat
Frequenting massage parlors or strip clubs
Engaging with escorts or prostitution
Using work devices to access sexual content
Excessive spending or high-risk sexual encounters
A hallmark of this condition is secrecy. Individuals often compartmentalize or hide their behaviors through complex patterns of deception, minimization, and rationalization. Unlike substance use, which may present observable physical signs, sexual addiction can remain hidden for years, making detection more difficult. Epidemiological data and clinical experience suggest that compulsive sexual behavior may be increasingly prevalent, potentially rivaling or exceeding rates of alcohol use disorder in certain populations.
Impact on Partners and Families
The discovery of infidelity or compulsive sexual behavior typically produces a trauma response in partners. Many demonstrate symptoms consistent with betrayal trauma or post-traumatic stress: intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, sleep disturbance, and profound feelings of disorientation. Partners often describe the experience as shattering their sense of safety, reality, and identity within the relationship.
Common emotional reactions include:
Anguish
Despair
Fear and anxiety
Confusion
Rage
Helplessness
Shame
Grief
Partners frequently report feeling deceived, manipulated, and psychologically destabilized. The financial, emotional, and relational consequences can be severe.
Treatment and Prognosis
If the sex addict is willing to engage in treatment—such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma-informed therapy, group therapy, or 12-step programs such as SAA—there is meaningful potential for recovery. However, progress is often complicated by entrenched personality structures. In cases where grandiosity, entitlement, or narcissistic defenses are prominent, insight and accountability may be limited or slow to develop.
Regardless of whether the addict seeks treatment, it is essential that the spouse or partner receive clinical support. Remaining in a relationship marked by chronic deception or compulsivity without support can have significant psychological consequences.
My Work With Partners Typically Proceeds in Three Phases
1. Acute Trauma Stabilization
We address the immediate psychological and physiological effects of betrayal trauma, ensuring safety, grounding, and emotional regulation.
2. Assessment of Relationship Viability
We explore whether the relationship has the capacity to heal, including evaluating the addict’s willingness to engage in sustained recovery work.
3. Exploration of Underlying Dynamics
Often, both individuals carry unresolved childhood trauma, attachment wounds, or maladaptive relational patterns. Partners may have inadvertently enabled the addict through conflict avoidance, denial, or overfunctioning. This exploration is not about blame, but about understanding relational patterns to create the possibility for healthier boundaries and functioning.
Throughout this process, partners are reminded of the foundational “Three C’s” of addiction recovery:
You didn’t cause it.
You can’t control it.
You can’t cure it.
There is hope. With appropriate intervention, trauma processing, and relational work, individuals and couples can move toward healing—whether within the relationship or beyond it.
About My Work With Partners of Sex Addicts
Discovering that your partner has been engaging in secret sexual behaviors—pornography, affairs, online sex, escorts, chronic masturbation, or any other form of compulsive sexual activity—is an overwhelming and disorienting experience. Many partners describe it as a rupture in their sense of safety and reality. The emotional fallout can be profound.
My work is dedicated to helping partners navigate this highly specific form of betrayal trauma with clarity, support, and dignity.
Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Sexual addiction and compulsive sexual behavior cause a unique type of trauma. Partners often experience:
Shock, numbness, or disbelief
Hypervigilance and checking behaviors
Intrusive thoughts or images
Emotional swings—rage, despair, fear, confusion
Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
A deep sense of betrayal or feeling “crazy”
These responses are normal. They are not signs of weakness—they are the body’s response to overwhelming and unexpected disruption.
I work from a trauma-informed lens, helping you understand what is happening inside you and supporting your path toward stabilization, clarity, and healing.